What Women Really Want for Valentine's Day

Ladies and femmes, we typically handle Valentine’s Day plans to let our sig oth know that we care about them. But this year, I encourage you to flip the script and send the men in your life this very blog post.

Gents and mascs, we need you to step it up this year. Even if you’re not planning a romantic gesture for a partner/girlfriend/significant other, do you think your mom is gonna tolerate the same stale, dry, old 1-800 bouquet of red roses!? (Actually, she might think these are nice, no shade, keep sending those lol) If you really want to let the women and femmes in your lives know how much you care about them, don’t just show affection. Show them that you’re in their corner, actively taking down patriarchal systems that oppress them. Show them that you’re interested in listening to them, protecting them, and giving them pleasure.

Here’s how to show your love, affection, empathy and solidarity for the babes in your life this V-Day:

GIVE US FUNDS.

There are sooo many inequalities that we deserve to be paid for. But I specifically want you to give the women and femmes in your life cold hard cash for every Uber we’ve ever taken at all hours to dodge creepy men. Even if you personally aren’t one of those creepy men that we have to dodge, you still don’t know what it’s like to shell out hundreds of dollars every month because we’re afraid of getting assaulted. Ask all the femmes in your life for their goddamn Venmo handle and send them your coins.

PAY FOR THIS V-DAY DINNER, AND THE FOLLOWING 25 DATES/ACTIVITIES.

I am so DONE pretending I wanna pick up half the tab, bro. I still make 53-80*** cents to your dollar!! If we’re strolling hand-in-hand through the Warhol exhibit at the Whitney then heading to Hemp Garden to pick up some hemp pre-rolls, you better get your wallet out, homie!!! If we’re booking a day trip to Dia:Beacon and happen to find a cute bed and breakfast, my wallet is staying shut!!! If we’re both in sweats, Netflix and Chillin’, and decide to order that good green, don’t even think about bothering me for cash!!

This is how we’re going to solve the gender wage gap, and if you’re not with it, you’re not getting any parts of this kitty, my guy.

***data from the US Census Bureau, Hispanic women are the lowest paid at 52 cents to a white man’s dollar. Asian women and white women are paid about 80 cents to a white man’s dollar. Intersectionality matters, fam.

PAMPER US.

Splurge on a luxe massage from Chillhouse, or De La Beuh CBD Bath Bombs for your sig oth, your mom, your sister, your second grade teacher: any woman who has had to put up with your bullshit. And before you come at me with some not all men nonsense, if you’ve ever laughed at a crude joke (themes include: rape, fatphobia, slut-shaming, homophobia, transphobia), you’re already part of the problem. The best Valentine’s Day gift you can give is to acknowledge how you’ve been complicit in this system, then show us your appreciation for our resilience and existence. (Seriously, that Chill Pill Package on Chillhouse’s website looks really dope.)

MAKE US CUM.

According to a study conducted by Springer, 95% of straight men claim they always achieve orgasm during sex and only 65% of straight women (and 66% of bisexual women) achieve orgasm. (And the gays, per usual, seem to have all their orgasms on lock ;)) Basically, the guarantee for orgasms is higher for dudes, and I’m gonna need y’all to pay all your back taxes!!!!

Express your love for your partner on V-Day by having healthy conversations about increasing her pleasure — and if that includes buying her some new hardware *pun intended*, then so be it. Our faves are Le Wand Massager, Bender by Unbound Babes, and INA Wave by Lelo. Don’t forget the importance of a good lube, bro. Add Kit 5 by Get Maude to your shopping cart for maximum pleasure. ;)

BUY OUR BEAUTY AND SKINCARE.

In 2017, women and femmes around the world spent $445 BILLION on the beauty industry. Millions of YouTube videos document our routines and regimens, the lengths we’ll endure to look picture-perfect before walking out of the house. And most of you lil dudes don’t even notice when we get a haircut!!!

Tip the scales in the right direction by buying your mom, sweetheart or lady pals some of the amazing skincare products we offer: Made by Dirt’s Stretch Mark Salve and De La Beuh’s Face + Body Coffee Scrub are great places to start. We also love Josie Maran’s Skin Dope 100mg CBD Face Oil with Argan Oil — a true lifesaver for sensitive, acne-prone skin.

Shower us with gifts we’ll actually appreciate, gents. We’ll wait.