How the Signs Wake and Bake

No shade, no tea, not trying to make any fucking enemies, but Fire Signs really do it best, amirite?

While I’m definitely not a professional astrologer who can practice unbiased reporting of the signs’ unique charts (I’m a Leo after all), I’m certainly a pro at curating a prime Wake & Bake routine. The cosmos might have different plans for you on any given day, but your Wake & Bake destiny awaits. Scroll through to see how badly I drag each sign. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Aries

IT’S ARIES SEASON, and I’mma need y’all to throw some respeck on this Fire Sign’s name!!!!! Ambitious Aries wakes up ready to grab life by the horns. Aries blasts heavy metal in the shower to get amped for a long day of boisterous showmanship. You’ll find them taking bong rips in the shower with shampoo in their hair, then adding drops of Spleef THC tincture in their coffee to help mellow their intense energy.

Taurus

I’m very willing to bet that Tauruses hit snooze more frequently than the other signs, because Tauruses have the most comfortable beds of all time!!!! If you’re lucky enough to spend the morning in bed with a Taurus, you’ll know they’re all about creature comforts and keeping that silk sleep mask on for as long as possible. A quick puff or two of Hempbase’s Lemon Up Vape Pen will give sleepy Taurus the energy they need to get the morning started.

Gemini

Geminis are the friendly multitaskers of the zodiac, meaning their wake-n-bake routines are accompanied by the strongest cold brews. Typically indecisive, Geminis need a little boost of energy and clarity, given that all the dope things they’re capable of pull them in so many directions. Gemini will probably meet Aries at the coffee shop and add some Spleef honey to their latte.

Cancer

Sensitive and emotional, Cancer needs to prep to give and receive emotional comfort throughout the day. Their mornings involve meditation, a cup of coffee, and HempGarden’s Honolulu Haze Hemp Pre-Roll. Cancers are experts at finding ways to make peace in preparation for a long day of coddling all the rest of your punk asses with her maternal energy.

Leo

Leos wake to the mirror they place on their bedside, wink good morning to themselves and light a joint wrapped in Shine 24K gold rolling papers, like the queens that they are. They wake up earlier than usual, not to work out, but because they’ve set a breakfast date for themselves. Do they deserve any less than a golden joint and self-romancing huevos rancheros? We think not.


Virgo

Practical Virgo will take one economical dab or puff from a vape pen and make their bed with military precision. Virgo looooOoOooOves routines, but in an effort to show us some range, every now and then she’ll take a hit from the Wavy Days Peacock Pipe by Summer School Ceramics she keeps in the bathroom. Because, y’know, Virgos know it’s more efficient to wake n bake while doing your morning #2, okurr.

Libra

Libras are the type to know obscure facts like an underground subgenre-rap artist’s astrology, how to make DIY Marvel costumes at Halloween, and the one true oddity: being downright fucking nice to the people around them. They start the day with a light workout, a large breakfast, and a couple drops of Chill Tonic to get ready for a long day of marathon people-pleasing and indecision. (Oop, was that too shady?)

Scorpio

Being friends with a Scorpio is like being friends with the dad Robert De Niro plays on Meet the Parents. Intensely determined, yet annoyingly mysterious, Scorpio wakes n bakes with a Red Eye and a hit of the very potent Tropic Thunder Vape Pen by Hempbase. Perfect for a long day of plotting 3-, 6-, 9-month goals; unearthing embarrassing secrets about their frenemies; and hiding their vulnerability by playing exhausting mind games.


Sagittarius

Adventurous Sagittarius is the wildcard of the zodiac. You never know if Sagittarians are down for an intellectual dissection of all the Twilight movies, or if they’re trying to get sloshed and twerk on the sidewalk. Either way, they’re up all night channeling all that fiery energy and diving headfirst into their latest passions. Sag babies are starting their days with a little hair of the dog and an espresso with drops of OG Tonic to help give them the kick they need to get the day started.

Capricorn

Disciplined Capricorn is up at the ass crack of dawn. By 7am, they are showered, caffeinated and ready to tackle their morning to-do list before work starts. Capricorn is always working on a side hustle and they make it look easy as hell. Because they schedule playtime rigorously (Caps, don’t act like y’all have any chill), Capricorns will go straight for Verte Essentials’ Chanvre Brut Capsules to start their day with a small dose of anxiety relief.

Aquarius

Quirky Aquarius jumps out of the bed, puts a leash on their cute ass dog, then goes for a four-mile-run for a boost of energy. To prep for yet another day of defending their many eccentricities and blatantly expressing distaste for anyone who can’t hold an intellectual conversation with them, Aquarius will sip Blackberry Ginger Vybes first thing in the morning.





Pisces

You’d expect dreamy Pisces to have a hard time getting out of bed, but these loveable water signs actually thrive on early morning sunshine. Pisces cooks breakfast with Adele playing at full-blast in the background to help them settle into all their feels. They write in their dream journals and set intentions for the day while smoking the good green out of a Rose Quartz Pipe from Glassy.

beatriz kaye